To the bottom of my soul
I left my body for a few earthly seconds
I was lost
I did not know who I really was anymore
Reconnection began on a deeper level
Of understanding this time
There was no time
No gravity
Just my essence floating in the bathroom
All my sorrows lifted
I was free again
Ode to the bottom of my heart
I let you break
Crack
Crack yourself open
Because only then I can truly
Heal from misunderstandings of the past
From unfinished businesses
I let you break
So I can heal
And start again a new path to freedom
I feel your pain
It is my pain too
We have to share it
On the path of enlightenment
Which Is highly advertised by some religions
We were all abandoned and hurt
The same way
My pain is your pain
Your frustration and smashed teeth
Are mine
Engraved in my brain tanged it in so many directions
You did not know any better
I wanted you to …
I forgive you
IT is the time
To stop this war
What if I was the one to bring it to the light to prevent it for future generations?
I stand for that
Firmly on this ground
Two women
Distance between us is growing every day
Extending with every brushstroke I make
With every new book I have read
With every new country I visited
We are separated by Germany, Belgium, France and the North Sea
Why don’t you wanna come with me?
I asked once
I used to have to say so much to you
How does it feel? You asked
It doesn’t
I’m a wreck of a woman I said
Deaf silence filled the remains of unused air
What else can you expect from me?
I snapped at him irritated
Joining other miserable humans
In that one single moment
I feel so much right now
So much weight
So much responsibility
I can’t lift my arms to help you
They tied with the back of my shoulders
I stand still gazing at the half opened window
Snow covered the mountains of our happiness
Two women sharing the same distance
The unknown territory
Two mindsets
One goal
To be happy again for a one brief moment
As they say, ‘whatever doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger’
So here we are standing
The heaviness of your legs in the drifts
Your quiet shout disappeared into the wind from Poland
Can we forgive ourselves?
You went deaf again
Patchworld
I wrote my letter hastily
Crying like a baby
I mentioned several meaningful words there
Which I did not get the chance to tell you
I decorated with garlands of pink peonies and apple blossoms
So you won’t forget where you came from
They might be useful in jail
I thought
Sealing the envelope
Patch-world
It was since I remembered
on the trailer
By chance
So I’m gluing you together
In one collage of life
Making sense of everything
Giving it new meaning
That have its unbeatable weight
Resilient dark forces surrounded me again
At the place so called home
There was no escape from you
Your loud voice proceeded you
Months before you even opened your mouth
How dare you? I asked
How dare you calling me ‘a green parsley leaf’?
What have I done to deserve such an unusual name?
Full of hatred and yesterday’s nonsense
Which only you can understand
I called the police
Too late
You escaped into the darkness
Where your broken soul belonged to
Consumed by your own ego you swallowed your pride
A beautiful monster
Where did you leave your sharp teeth?
Oh, I see
You sank them in my mother’s cheek
So, I will be poisoned too
In five years time
There is not enough space for both of us in this already overcrowded space
Hope is for those
Who find the courage
To say NO
When things one MUST to say
What is love?
Love is preparing strawberries beautifully on a plate
And handing them to a child who with an open mouth
Watches the spectacle of caring for one another
What is love?
Some express it as hard beatings and constant arguments
Sick but still love
Love is seeing good and wholeness in others
Chicken house
I was raised in the chicken coop
chicken coop House
walls painted in green
low ceilings
small rooms
Perfect for chickens
But I am not sure about humans
Well, it was suppose to be a chicken house at the end of the day
Your Sefl indulging habits took over
Did you know you left us hungry again?
I think it was one of the biggest chicken coops I’ve ever seen
In my short five years old life
House- chicken home as you liked to call it
Is still standing
It witnessed lots of big storms and intoxicated tornados
ferocious cockfights
‘There your home where your heart is’
As they say
But where is my heart? I don’t feel it
In fact my heart was diagnosed with
mitral valve insufficiency
Typical condition for people from Easter European’s countries
Apparently
‘My heart’, pumping out blood machine
Blue blood is allocated to Aristocracy only
It has expired, it worn out before I was even born
‘There your home where your happiness is’
I say
So where shall I find my happiness?
Trees, cement, bricks won’t be enough to build
My home?
Only love can conquer the biggest storms and pilling up doubts,
Love above all
I looked for it with a magnifying glass
For nothing
It wandered to someone else
Two profiles
You were born with one profile of your face
But you will die with two
Why?
Because you are so lucky
Agata, maybe I will you love you again one day
Do not be afraid
You went through it somehow
Your life is your witness that faith
In mysteries of the universe
Can even lift the highest mountains
Just like yours
Your face and these two profiles are your legacy
Open scar diary with wounds
You won’t be forgotten
A gift from Gods? You asked
Maybe
Or maybe just a curse
That must be fun to have a spare profile you stupidly said
Not knowing that it gives you a two-profile- split headache
At the same time
Some of you said you won’t make it
But instead I used all my disadvantages and made the most out of them
Now look at me!
You who wrote me off with terrifying diagnosis
I am talking to you!
I am worth something
This premium was gifted through a craniofacial input
The lack of acceptance must be terrible
It hurts so much
But only when you belittle your own value
I noticed
This condition in medical terms is called
‘pain body’ that is dragging behind you for the whole life
feeding the shadows, sorrows, pain, anger
Will I ever be able to love myself again?
Will I ever be able to forgive them?
Who knows…
The shadows grew so big that I no longer knew who I was
If I only knew what I know now the sorrows of yesterday
Became my weapons today
I stand still
18 years of my life
Closed chapter
So, I have learnt that ‘there is a method in my madness’
As Hamlet said
Silence on my own
Silence in the face of conflict
where innocent people are being whipped
Had its own price to be paid
As the Polish saying goes
Have someone ever told you
That children should be seen and not heard?
Who will pay for it?
Obliterating silence of the being
I crossed my hands in a gesture of a pigeon
I wish my voice was heard by those who claimed to love me most
I whispered calmly
My face and my two profiles are my legacy
An open diary with new scars entered the new chapter of life
The life with no bullets
And clean air
Natural symbiosis
Head
Face
Skull
Muscles
Veins
Arteries
Tissues
Only Love was missing
Being replaced by hemangioma cardiovascular tumour
On the left hand side of my head
It grew for a while,; for about 5 years apparently
Marking its territory from jaw to my temples
It became a citizen of my own misery
My microcosm Immersed in a cosmos of my body
I had to share it
I would not call it a symbiosis
18 years of soul searching
Feeling sorry for myself
criticizing myself
Sick love
Mental scoliosis
Frequent disappointments
Instabilities
First love
Distorted my own image
Never ending bleeding from my nose, gums and eyes
I felt briefly like a crying Madonna, Virgin Mary
With flashes of happiness juxtaposed with joy
Long walks through hospital’s corridors
Studying
Transplanting my usual horrors with oil paint on large canvases
Getting to know new family
So much has happened
Who am I?
I am a citizen of the world through your blood
And my ancestors blood
We coexist in the same Universe
Nevertheless our twisted relationship turned out to be symbiotic overall
If life gives you lemons you make lemonade
As they say
Strange love
You looked deeply with blazing fire
into my eyes
I wanted the ground to open up
Disappear
Sometimes you pulled out a sharp knife out of your jacket
Tools for enlightenment…
As someone might say
In your right hand a knife
In your left hand a gun
Russian roulette
Did someone ever told you that
That you cannot buy love with torture
The air was thick with cuts and wounds
Only from last night
Today you chose to play with a knife
Your imagination knows no limits
Kitchen light is smoldering with the last of its strength
Saving itself from the heart breaking view
The music from the old tape recorder
Creeps in violently into the already overcrowded space
Me, my sister and my brother
Are only 5 years old
We are on the edge of our seats
There won’t be any rescue
You plunged knife into a kitchen table
Miracles happen as they say
Not today
Today our little feet and other body parts
are landing in deep snowdrifts
Don’t you remember?
We do
you kicked us out from the kitchen window
5 minutes later
You started crying like a baby
I am sorry you said
It was too late for that
I could not hear it anyway
With my head was stuck in a fluffy white duvet
Frostbiting my silky smooth, delicate cheeks
Violence is your only standard response
When one has lived with violence for so long
One will get used to it
Cause and effect
For every cause there must be an effect
As laws of karma defines it
Inflicting pain onto others will backfire on the self
It hurts me today
Tomorrow it will hurt you
Double the force
There is no escape from it
Double edged sword
Faces
They are levitating in the space of the mind
We carry thousands of them inside
Nameless anonymous
deformed oftentimes
through the passage of time
there will be also those who will be stucked forever in us
Their scars will become ours
Their smiles smile with our lips
We have so much grown in ourselves,
no power will separate us
Every face is a lesson of the truth about us
It penetrates the interior and guts
By asking us what's up
The worst or
Inspiring us for better
They arise from us
They live like a needle or light up
Like sunrise
Bringing a smile and warm memories
Every face. Occupy another place in the body
her story is connected with it They became us and we were them
Signs of the time On the map of our body
He became my experience, Ballast, the Curse
And ‘the fruit and fat’
Thanks to the faces I became
They taught me everything
Patience and more humility
Me and them, Together, To the end
And one day longer
A tool for enlightenment
Unspecified medical experiment
The head that is set on my neck
Is really not really mine anymore
As for many years it was subjected
Various treatments
Aiming at improvement of my character
Strengthening my personality
Enlightenment of my mind
It was touched, kissed, stroked
So many hands touched her
And the rest of my body
That I completely lost the sense of it
Afterwards it was
Cut, stitched, injected in
almost like perfect Barbie dolls heads
Who I was playing with as a child
Fluids were injected into it
Drilled bones
They used Wire and metal Coils
Creating some sort of fencing for the teeth
Let’s call is a defence line
So no one can hurt me
What a relief….
They cut off my bone
They cut out my skin
Unlimited scars
Pilling up on the left hand side of head
Filled with love
Because now I know what love its about
Embarrassed me today making me susceptible
For the needs of society
The tools for enlightment?
How much of me is in me?
I do not know myself